San Francisco
by greysfannn
Summary: My take on Meredith's life in her hideaway after Derek's funeral. How did she handle her pregnancy without support from her Seattle friends? How is she effected without Derek? Essentially, I did not think her story was given enough attention, and I wanted to bring into focus her life. This is my take on the pain and suffering Meredith endured as the pregnancy progressed. 11x22
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's.

After leaning over the toilet and heaving for the third time this morning, I leaned back against the bathroom wall. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I heard Zola calling my name.

"Mommy!" she shrieked, promptly waking up Bailey.

I stood up, still feeling nauseous, and walked to her room.

"Momma!" Zola said excitedly.

"Come on, let's go get your brother," I said to her taking her hand.

While making breakfast in the cramped kitchen of the rented apartment, another wave a nausea overwhelmed me. I closed my eyes again, but when that did not work, I ran to the bathroom and promptly threw up.

"Mommy, are you sick?" Zola asked me as I walked back into the kitchen.

"No sweetie, I'm fine." I replied. I picked up the knife and continued cutting an apple, watching Bailey and Zola eating their toaster waffles. I rented the apartment for a month after leaving from Derek's funeral. With only a week left, I knew that I should begin packing. I had told myself that a month was all I needed. It would just be a break without the stares and 'I'm sorrys.' However, as the month came to a close, I wanted to stay longer. The break from reality was badly needed. We had adjusted quickly, but lately the shock had given way to the depression of Derek's death, and I had started to get sick, usually in the morning when there were no other distractions to think about.

After dropping Zola and Bailey off at a daycare so I could run some errands, I headed into the grocery store. As I pushed the shopping cart past the aisles, I saw the feminine care aisle. Turning in, I stopped for a minute. Realizing I hadn't had my period since coming to San Francisco, probably because of the stress of Derek's death, I continued my shopping, paid, and continued my errands.

The next morning, I woke up to the sunlight streaming on my face. Rolling over to look at the clock, a wave of nausea overwhelmed me again. Clamping a hand to my mouth, I ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet.

Reaching under the sink to grab another roll of toilet paper to wipe my mouth, I saw a box of unopened tampons. A thought came to me, and I froze in terror.

Sitting back, I counted in my head and realized that it was too long since I had my last period. Derek and I had tried once, the morning of his death. I didn't think it was possible. With a previous miscarriage and months of trying to no prevail a few years before, I just didn't believe it. There was no way I could be pregnant after one try. Numb and unsure, I decided to buy a pregnancy test.

After putting Zola and Bailey to bed, I walked into my bathroom and opened the box to the pregnancy test. I toyed with it in my hand before taking a deep breath, reaching the conclusion that I had to do it. I had to take the test.

Five minutes later I picked the white stick off of the counter and turned it over. My breath caught in my throat when I saw the two vertical lines.

Once the immediate shock passed, thoughts passed through my mind at a million miles per minute. There was no way I could raise three kids by myself. How could I be a good mother to three fatherless children? Tears stung my eyes and streamed down my face as I realized the full extent of my situation. There was a baby, a tiny blob of cells, in me. A baby that Derek so desperately wanted. A baby that he would never meet. Fears raced through my head. What if I miscarried again and lost my last proof of Derek? I needed to keep this baby safe.

Seeing the proof of Derek's child on the white stick confirmed my want to stay. I could not return to Seattle and face the pitying stares, the stares of the people who pity the widow carrying her dead husband's child. I knew I would stay in San Francisco. I would find a job. Eventually, I would send Alex a message reassuring him of mine and the kids' safety. San Francisco would become our new home.

I knew I could not contact anyone from Seattle. I could not contact anyone at all and tell them of my situation. Except one. I knew I could call my person. I could call Christina.

With this resolution in mind, I crawled into bed. I laid on my back and put my hand on my still-flat abdomen. Tears came to my eyes again as I thought about my baby's life. If it was a girl, she would never have a father to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. If it was a boy, he would never have a father to go camping and fishing with. Derek would have loved that. I turned onto my side and fell asleep as the tears gently flowed onto my pillow.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning I picked up the phone. There were two calls I needed to make.

First, I called a local OB/GYN to schedule an appointment.

Then I dialed Cristina's number. The phone rang three times before I heard my person's voice.

"Hey, Mer. What's up?" she asked. I could hear the bustling of her research hospital in the background

"Can you talk?" I questioned.

"Uhh," her voice was cut off by some mumbling. "I'll call you back. Ummm…tomorrow morning. Or evening, for you. I'm about to enter a meeting."

"Ok," I responded quickly.

"Alright, got to go," Cristina said before hanging up.

I sighed with frustration. Even though I should have known not to expect a lengthy conversation with Cristina when she was busy with the hospital, I was upset. I needed to tell someone my news. I needed someone to console me and tell me I would be alright.

Like clockwork, a wave a nausea fell over me. I ran to the bathroom again and heaved over the toilet, but nothing came up. I wish Derek was here to rub my back like he did when I was pregnant with Bailey. Instead, I was doing this alone.

As the day progressed, I began to doubt myself. How could I handle three kids on my own? I had no support here in San Francisco. It was just me. What about when I got a job? I did not want to be my mom and hire a nanny, but it seemed like my only option. Fear also crept into my mind. I began to worry about a miscarriage. It had happened before, and the fertility doctor called my uterus hostile. It was a miracle Bailey was even alive. I didn't know what I would do if I lost this baby. The panic of a possible miscarriage was getting to me. Throughout the day I began taking unnecessary trips to the bathroom to make sure there was no spotting. I knew that if Derek was here he would calm me. He would remind me that good things do happen. In his absence, I worried.

After putting Zola and Bailey to bed the same night, I sat on the couch with my knees protectively in front of my stomach waiting for a phone call from Cristina. Finally, the phone rang.

"Hey," I said, picking up the phone.

"Hey," she responded sleepily.

"What time is it there?" I asked.

"5:30. I'm making coffee before I head to work." As she said that, I sighed, wishing for the caffeinated drink that I'd only gone a day without. It was going to be a long nine months.

"Ummmm…I need to tell you something, Cristina."

"Get on with it," Cristina said, her usual impatient self.

"Uh," I hesitated.

"Mer. Just talk." I took a deep breath before squeaking out,

"I'm pregnant." As soon as I said it, tears came to my eyes. It still didn't feel real.

"Oh," Cristina said slowly, "Derek's?" she questioned.

"Mm-hmm," I responded slowly, the tears escaping my eyes.

"Oh, Mer," she paused, "Are you going to keep it?"

"What?" I asked in shock. "Of course!" I almost yelled.

"Okay, Okay," Cristina replied, "How are you handling this?"

"I'm fine," I replied, not disclosing my true emotions. We both sat in silence, Cristina knowing that I needed a moment. Even half a world apart, we were in sync. I imagined Cristina driving to work on a dark but clear morning in Zurich, her life completely different from mine. During our residencies, our lives had been so similar. Apart from both of our complicated relationships, our lives centered around the demanding hours of the hospital. Now, a few years later, we had come to different points.

Finally interrupting the silence, Cristina said,

"Okay, well, uh, I'm at the hospital now. Mer, I'm serious, call me if you need to talk, and I know you will need to. Just call. I'm here for you like always."

"I will. Have fun today. Kick some cardio butt," I responded, forcing a small smile through my sadness.

"Mm-kay. Bye," Cristina said simply.

"Bye," I said before ending the call. Sighing, I realized that telling Cristina lifted a weight off my chest. The tears slowing, I put my feet on the floor. Looking down and putting a hand on my lower stomach, I smiled thinking about what the life of this child meant to me. I knew the pregnancy was going to be difficult without Derek, but with Cristina's reassurance, I also knew that I could handle it.


	3. Chapter 3

Only a few weeks after my call with Cristina, it was time for my first OB appointment.

I dropped Zola and Bailey off at the day care which we had become accustomed to. After trying a few different centers, I had finally found a day care which the kids loved and I trusted. It was almost as great as the one at Grey Sloan and just as convenient. It had become my go-to place when I needed some time to myself or needed to run errands.

Before dropping the kids off, Zola questioned why she was going to day care on a nice summer day, a day when we usually would have gone to the beach or a park:

"Mommy, why do me and Bailey have to go the day care today?" Zola asked from the backseat.

"Well, Zozo, Mommy has to go see the doctor today," I responded.

"Why can't I come?" Zola whined.

"It's an appointment just for Mommy," I explained. "Little kids don't come to the big people doctor."

"But I am a big girl," Zola retorted.

"Yes, you are," I said with a smile, "you are growing up so fast!" Zola laughed, glad to have been complimented on her becoming a 'big girl.'

Zola continued to blab about various things she thought were important, and I was glad she had let the topic of my doctor's appointment go. The last thing I needed was her asking about why I was going to the doctor.

* * *

Upon arriving at the OB/GYN, I walked to the front counter.

"Meredith Grey," I said to the nurse behind the counter. After typing in my name into the computer, the nurse handed me a clip board with some forms.

"Alright," she said, "11:30 appointment for an eight week ultrasound. You can sit down and fill out these forms while you wait. You'll be called back in a few minutes."

I sit down with the forms and begin to fill them out. The information needed is standard, but my breath catches in my throat when I have to check the 'yes' box for previous miscarriage. This furthers my nerves for this appointment. This is when I find out if my last proof of Derek is still alive.

Finally my name is called, and after taking my blood pressure, weight, and height, I am led to a back room by a nurse. She hands me a paper gown to put on. A few minutes later, the doctor steps in.

"Hi, Dr. Grey. My name is Dr. Seaver." This is the first time I've been called 'Dr. Grey' in a month and a half.

"Hello," I responded, my nerves preventing me from making small talk.

"Ok, let's get started," Dr. Seaver said. She started reviewing my patient information. "I see you've had a previous miscarriage. When was that?"

"Um…about five years ago," I responded.

"Alright," she nodded, "but you have also previously carried to term?"

"Yes. My son was born two years ago."

"Congratulations," Dr. Seaver said with a smile, continuing to flip through my chart. "Oh!" she said suddenly, "it looks like you forgot to list an emergency contact."

She handed the chart back to me with a pen. I hadn't forgotten to fill out the emergency contact, I had left it blank. I didn't have anyone I wanted to list. Cristina lived too far away, I didn't want to involve any of my Seattle contacts, and I didn't know anyone in San Francisco. Finally, I picked up the pen and wrote 'Alex Karev; friend.' We had become closer since Cristina left, and if I was in an emergency, I'd want him here.

I handed back my chart to Dr. Seaver, and she started asking more questions.

"How have your symptoms been?" she asked.

"The nausea has gotten a little better, but it can still be strong in the morning," I replied.

"Mmm-hmm, that's usual. It should let up within the next four weeks, by the time you hit the second trimester," Dr. Seaver responded. She finished flipping through my chart. "We can get started on your ultrasound now if you're ready, or we can wait a bit if the father is running late."

Tears stung my eyes when Dr. Seaver mentioned this. Derek was not running late, he could not be here. Derek, who wanted this baby that I was about to see, was dead. My Derek was dead.

"No, no," I said, "we can go ahead and get started."

"Ok," Dr. Seaver responded, pulling up a chair to my feet, "I am going to do an internal ultrasound. We may or may not be able to hear the heartbeat, it's still early." I put my feet up and Dr. Seaver inserted the probe. Within seconds, the steady whoosh of the baby's heartbeat filled the air.

After looking at the monitor, Dr. Seaver turned it towards me.

"Everything look good. Based on the date of your last period, I would put your due date around January 14," Dr. Seaver said and continued to talk about the logistics of the pregnancy.

While Dr. Seaver talked, I turned my head away from the monitor after barely glancing at it. I couldn't look at it without Derek there. He would have loved it. He never missed an appointment when I was pregnant with Bailey. Derek would look in awe at the screen while holding my hand, and he would proudly show the ultrasound pictures to anyone who would look.

Finally I turned my head back to Dr. Seaver who had printed out pictures from the ultrasound.

"When you leave, be sure to schedule your next appointment. You can take a few minutes in here. It was nice to meet you, Dr. Grey," Dr. Seaver said before leaving.

When she closed the door, I broke down. Tears wet my face as I sat up with my hand on my lower stomach which was becoming just the slightest bit rounded. I couldn't do this without Derek. I couldn't raise three kids on my own. It was too much. I took deep, ragged breaths trying to calm myself.

"Get it together, Meredith," I told myself, taking off the paper gown and pulling on my jeans. After finishing get dressed, I dried my face with a tissue. I took one last deep breath before heading out the door.

* * *

As I lay in bed that night after putting Zola and Bailey to bed, I held in my hands the picture from the earlier ultrasound. I traced my finger over the baby's barely defined head. I was so grateful that I hadn't miscarried yet. It was painful enough to carry Derek's baby while he laid dead in the ground, but to lose his baby would be even worse. I didn't think I could handle that type of pain. It would be too much. Instead, as I sat in bed, I thought about the future. In just a few months, I would have a new baby to love.

I turned over in bed and put the ultrasound picture in the bedside table drawer. I drifted off to sleep with my hand on my slightly rounded abdomen, thinking, with sorrow and hope, about the new baby's future.

 _A/N: I am going to be without my computer for a few days, so the next update should come next weekend. :)_


	4. Chapter 4

Three weeks after the ultrasound…

* * *

I watched Zola and Bailey playing in the living area while I made breakfast. After a failed attempt at French toast, I decided normal toast would have to cut it. I sighed while throwing out the ruined French toast batter. Derek made great French toast.

Watching Zola and Bailey playing so peacefully together, I wondered how I would tell them about their new sibling. I was fairly confident that Zola would take the news well. She had always loved being Bailey's older sister. However, I was worried that Bailey would hate his younger sibling. He loved the attention that being the youngest got.

I decided to wait to tell them until I was showing more and they asked. I was nervous to tell them the news. I knew it was going to be a difficult conversation. Besides the inevitable 'where do babies come from' conversation, I knew questions about Daddy were going to come up.

After breakfast, I got the kids dressed and set them up in front of the television so I could get dressed. Taking off my pajama top in the bathroom, I gasped when I saw my reflection in the mirror.

My stomach had grown considerably in the last three weeks after the ultrasound. I knew women started showing earlier in their second pregnancies, but I did not expect to be showing this much at eleven weeks. I barely looked pregnant at this stage when I was pregnant with Bailey.

I exhaled, looking down at my stomach. Derek would have loved seeing my small bump so early. When I was pregnant with Bailey, Derek had his hands on my stomach any chance he got. I found it annoying then, but now I wished for it more than anything.

After putting on a shirt, I reached for my jeans, pulling them up my legs. However, when I tried to button them, I couldn't. I wished I was in the Seattle house. I knew I had maternity clothes stored away from my pregnancy with Bailey. I sighed, knowing I would have to buy a set of new clothes. In the meantime, I pulled off my jeans and put on a pair of black leggings. I knew it wouldn't be long before Zola and Bailey noticed my bump.

* * *

It was a beautiful day in late June, and, after having finally found a suitable pair of pants, I decided to take Zola and Bailey to the park.

I took them to a park with a small lake, a playground, and many food vendors.

We walked around the outside of the lake, and Zola and Bailey fed the ducks. I smiled, witnessing their joy apparent through shrieks of laughter. Days like these that were picture-perfect made me grateful to be alive, but also made me miss Derek. He should have been here with me to witness our perfect family.

After feeding the ducks, we left the lake, heading towards the playground. On the way there, I caught a whiff of the scent of hot dogs. I sniffed the air and knew I needed one. I needed a hot dog.

"Hey, Zola, Bailey, how about we get some food before we play on the playground?" I asked, rerouting them towards the food vendors.

"Yes," Bailey responded, "I can get some food just like the duckies!"

I laughed, "Yes, you can!" Once we arrived at the hot dog stand, I told Zola and Bailey that I was getting a hot dog, then asked them what they wanted.

"But mama," Zola replied indignantly, "You don't like hot dogs! You said they were yucky!"

I knew she was right. Usually I hated hot dogs so much that I couldn't get near them. I hadn't participated in the hot dog eating contest with George, Alex, and Cristina when we were residents. That was disgusting.

I knew I was craving hot dogs because of the pregnancy, but I told Zola that I was just trying new things. After buying my hot dog and Zola and Bailey's snack, we headed towards a park bench and sat down.

"You know," Zola said smartly, "Daddy would say that you shouldn't eat hot dogs because they're unhealthy."

"I know," I responded, leaving it at that. Derek the health nut would have been aghast that I was eating a hot dog, especially while pregnant, when the food I ate was giving the growing baby its nutrition.

While Zola and Bailey munched on their snacks, I stared wistfully across the park. I thought about my cravings while I was pregnant with Bailey. Derek was always there, giving me the healthy version of what I asked for.

After a period of silence, Bailey looked up at me and said the phrase that had consistently broken my heart over the past two months:

"I miss daddy," he said, sadly looking into my eyes.

"I know, Bailey," I said, pulling him closer, "I miss him, too." Tears pricked at my eyes.

Bailey leaned over and rested his head on my lap. I tensed for a moment, worrying he would feel the bulge of my stomach. If he did, he wasn't curious because there were no questions asked.

* * *

That night I sat on the couch, Disney songs playing in the background, with my laptop on my lap, doing some online shopping for maternity clothes.

After we had finished our snacks at the park, Zola and Bailey played on the playground, then we headed home. After dinner, exhausted from their day at the park, Zola and Bailey both fell asleep halfway through _Frozen._ I was left the last one awake on the couch, trapped under a tangled mess of blankets and limbs.

After ordering two pairs of stretchy jeans, another pair of maternity pants, and a few shirts, I closed my laptop. I watched Zola and Bailey, listening to their slow breathing, and thought about my life.

I had been through so much: injuries to myself, losses of family, and disappearances and deaths of friends. I had survived many improbable accidents. Within the past three years, my sister had died in front of me, Richard, who is practically my father, almost died, Cristina left, and Derek died.

There was so much loss, yet, in this moment, I was happy. I had two beautiful children and another one on the way. I placed my hand on my lower stomach and closed my eyes. I knew the future was going to be bittersweet. There would be bad times, but there would also be good times. It would be difficult without Derek, even unbearable, but I knew I had to persevere for my three children.


	5. Chapter 5

Driving home from completing some errands, I glanced into the rear view mirror. I smiled as I saw Zola and Bailey talking to each other and role playing with their toys.

Looking back at the road, I placed my left hand on my still growing bump. I was fourteen weeks along, and over-sized loose shirts were becoming a piece of my everyday wardrobe.

Honestly, I was surprised that neither Zola nor Bailey had asked any questions yet. Although I had seen Zola do a double-take a few times, nothing had been asked.

I may have spoken too soon.

* * *

Once at home, Zola and Bailey continued to play in the living room while I made a snack.

I brought over the sliced apples and peanut butter and set them down on the table before sitting down on the couch. Zola and Bailey, sitting on the opposite side of the table, both grabbed a few apple slices before returning to their game.

They played for a few more minutes before Zola looked up at me and said:

"Mommy, why do you look so weird?"

"What do you mean, Zozo?" I asked.

"Your tummy looks weird," she responded simply, "Why?"

I knew it was time to tell them.

Dodging Zola's question, I said while patting the couch, "Hey, Zola, Bailey, come over here. I need to tell you something important."

After settling them on the opposite end of the couch, I turned and asked:

"Do you guys remember how Sarah, from daycare, just had a little sister?"

Zola and Bailey both nodded.

"Well," I said slowly, "Now you guys are going to get a little sibling too."

Zola's face widened with immediate excitement.

"I can get a little sister!" she said eagerly.

"Maybe, but it could be a little brother," I responded. I was pleased with Zola's expected excitement, but I was worried about Bailey. He hadn't said anything.

Suddenly, Bailey looked at me and said, "Where is the baby now?"

"It's in my stomach," I replied, giving the simplest answer.

"So that's why your tummy looks weird," Zola said, glad to have gotten an explanation.

"Mm-hmm," I agreed before continuing, "and as the baby grows, my stomach is going to keep getting bigger until the baby is ready to meet you."

"Oh," Bailey said, still confused, "How did the baby get in your tummy?" he asked.

I knew this question would be asked. I didn't know if it would come from Zola or Bailey, but either way, it was tough.

I couldn't use the traditional 'when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…' excuse because it would be too emotionally difficult, so I settled for something else.

"Well, what do you think, Bailey?" I asked.

"I think that when a mommy is nice she can get a baby," he said.

"You're right," I said, glad that I didn't have to come up with my own explanations.

I looked over at Zola who had continued playing with her doll. Apparently a new sibling was not the most interesting thing on her radar. Bailey hopped off the couch picked up his action figure and they continued to play.

Honestly, I was shocked. I had expected more questions. Instead, a brief explanation had covered their curiosities.

Mostly, I was surprised, and saddened, that there was no mention of Derek.

I had expected some mention of 'Daddy', but there was none. The 'I miss Daddy' meltdowns had most definitely become less frequent over the last three months. I knew Zola and Bailey were young and would eventually only know Derek through other people's stories, but I thought Daddy would be brought up in a conversation such as this one because it involved family.

As I thought about it more while I watched Zola and Bailey play together, I realized that I needed Derek's name brought up. I needed a reminder of him and his love for the unborn child inside of me.

Tears stung my eyes and I blinked to keep them down. I missed Derek, and I needed to talk to someone. I got up from the couch and grabbed my cell phone before sitting down again, leaning against the left arm of the couch.

I was about to dial Cristina's number, but I hesitated. I turned my phone over in my hand. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to call her.

My attempts to blink back my tears had failed, and they brimmed over. I wiped my hand across my cheek, hoping to hide my grief, but Zola looked up and caught me.

Without saying a word, Zola stood up, walked towards me, and gave me a hug.

"Why are you sad, Mommy?" she asked.

"I just wish Daddy was here," I tried to explain.

In the meantime, Zola had crawled next to me on the couch and wrapped her arms around me.

"I miss Daddy too," she said carefully putting her small hand on my lower stomach before continuing, "but even though I'm sad because Daddy isn't here, I am happy that I am getting a new sibling."

I smiled through my tears and shook my head. I was shocked and proud. Zola was consoling me through her logical words. She had taken up Derek's calm and thoughtful demeanor. I hoped that wouldn't change.

"I am happy too about another baby," I said to Zola, joining my hand on top of hers on my stomach. I turned my head and kissed Zola on her forehead. When I looked up, Bailey had toddled over. He reached up his arms asking to be picked up.

I lifted him onto my lap, turning him to face Zola before kissing his forehead too. Bailey started babbling to himself and Zola joined his conversation.

I contentedly watched Zola and Bailey talk on my lap. They were adorable, talking about their toys, and I imagined a third child joining them. It was almost perfect.

 _A/N: So far I have fifteen more chapters planned before the end of this story, so there is plenty of room for your input. Please give me your suggestions! Reviews please!_


	6. Chapter 6

"Is Bailey behind the door?" I asked. I turned around, smiling to myself at the wiggling body under the blanket.

"Hmmm. No he isn't," I said with obvious disappointment in my voice. "Is he under the table?" I questioned.

Squeals came from under the blanket, and I kneeled down and yanked it back to see Bailey's smiling face.

"I found you!" I exclaimed to Bailey, tickling his stomach.

He squealed and said, "It's your turn to hide, Mommy!"

"I wish I could, but it's time to get dressed now," I explained. At that moment, Zola walked in dressed in purple and green horizontally striped shorts with a disgustingly bold orange shirt. I had let Zola dress herself while I played with Bailey and the results were as expected.

"Mommy!" she exclaimed, "do you like my outfit?"

"I love it!" I responded before saying, "but I was really hoping you would wear the white shirt with the flowers on it today." I hoped I could get Zola to change shirts without hurting her feelings.

"Ok, I'll put that one on!" she said before turning around to walk back to her room.

I shrugged, impressed with how smoothly Zola agreed to change.

"Come on, Bailey. Let's go get you dressed," I said, putting a hand on my bump and using the table as leverage to stand up. I then helped Bailey stand up before taking his hand.

After getting Bailey dressed and making sure Zola had switched her shirt so her outfit was less atrocious, I led them into my bedroom. I settled them onto my bed and turned on the tv, so I could get dressed while still watching them.

I walked into the bathroom and put on a pair of stretchy jeans and a bra before I heard the door squeak open. I turned around to see Zola.

"I have to go potty," she said.

"Ok," I responded, opening the door to the toilet. Zola walked over and stopped in front of me. She put her hands on my bare stomach and said to my belly,

"I love you, little sissy or brother," before planting a kiss on my stomach. She then walked into the smaller part of the bathroom and sat on the toilet. "Privacy, please," she said sassily.

"Ok, Zola," I said turning around and continuing to get dressed, pulling on a shirt. Joyful tears came to my eyes as I thought about Zola's sweet gesture. Ever since I told her about my pregnancy two weeks ago, she had been talking excitedly about her little sibling, but this was the first time she had talked directly to her younger sibling through my stomach.

I heard the toilet flush and then helped Zola wash her hands. She went back into my bedroom and I finished getting dressed.

After finally getting Zola and Bailey out of the apartment and into the car, I dropped them off at daycare then headed to the OB/GYN.

It was time for my sixteen week appointment.

* * *

At the doctor's office, I followed the same check in procedure I did at the eight week appointment.

I headed to the check-in station and said to the nurse, "Meredith Grey." The nurse handed me the forms and asked me to update any information.

I sat down in a chair in the waiting room with the forms in my lap. I knew there were no changes, so I put down the pen and looked around at the other patients.

There were a few women who looked like they were there for a gynecology appointment. Then there were others sitting with rounded stomachs holding hands with their male loved ones. I looked down at my hands. That should have been Derek and me.

A few minutes later, another nurse called my name and led me back to take my weight and blood pressure, among other things. She then took me to a patient room where I waited for Dr. Seaver.

Eventually, I heard a knock on the door, and Dr. Seaver let herself in.

"Hello, Dr. Grey. How are you doing today?" she asked.

I hesitated for a moment before responding. She was the only one who called me 'Dr. Grey.' It reminded me of Seattle, of Derek.

"I'm doing fine," I said, "but please call me Meredith."

She laughed before saying, "Ok, Meredith. Let's get started. How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good overall," I responded. "The nausea is mostly gone. I've had a couple of cravings." I hesitated before confessing, "I know it's early, but I feel big."

"Well, you've gained the expected amount of weight. You're stats look good, so don't worry about feeling too big. You look fine," she reassured me. "You may notice your breasts increasing in size soon, and back pain may begin as your stomach increases in size. How are you doing with your kids?" Dr. Seaver asked.

"They're great," I said, "Zola, my oldest, can't wait to meet her new sibling."

"That's good to here," Dr. Seaver responded, "but how are _you_ doing with them?"

"I'm fine, I guess. It can be tiring running after them."

"That's expected," she said. "Just make sure you are resting."

I nodded.

"Ok, let's get started on the ultrasound. Lean back."

I leaned back and lifted up my shirt, tucking it below my bra.

"This might be cold," Dr. Seaver said, squirting the gel onto my stomach. She then ran the wand over my stomach, and the baby's heartbeat filled the room. I smiled, the steady 'whoosh' reassuring me of its health.

Dr. Seaver turned the ultrasound screen towards me. This time I was able to watch as she pointed out its head and the little arms and legs.

"Do you want to know the sex?" she asked me.

I had thought about this before the appointment. I had contemplated being surprised, but I eventually decided to find out. Derek had wanted to find out with Bailey, and I assumed he would have wanted to find out with this child too.

"Yes," I replied to Dr. Seaver's question.

"Alright," she said, "Let's see if baby is willing to give us a peek today." She began moving the wand around on my stomach, looking for a view between the baby's legs.

"Here we are," Dr. Seaver said, "Congratulations, Meredith. It looks like you are having a baby girl!"

A girl. Derek would have been so ecstatic. I was excited, too, but my thoughts were on Derek. Just like Zola, this baby would not have a father to walk her down the aisle. Tears came to my eyes.

"I printed off some pictures for you," Dr. Seaver said softly while wiping the gel off of my belly. She could tell there was both sadness and joy in my tears. "I'll have them in your file to take when you check out. Any questions?"

"No, I'm okay," I responded.

"Alright. It was nice seeing you," she said with a smile before walking out of the room.

I took off my gown and put on my clothes before heading out, making sure to grab the ultrasound pictures at checkout.


	7. Chapter 7

One week later…

* * *

I woke up to a gentle rubbing down my side. My eyes fluttered open, and I stretched my limbs. I rolled over to see a perfect, smiling face.

"Hey," Derek said softly.

"Hey," I said back with a gentle smile.

"How are you?" he asked, resting his hands on my still-growing bump, "any kicks yet?"

"Not yet," I responded, tilting my chin towards Derek's face, lightly kissing him on the lips, "any day now."

He kissed me back on the forehead and then sat up against the headboard. I sat up too and leaned my head against his left shoulder. I took his right hand and guided it towards my swollen stomach, placing my hand on top of his.

"I love you," Derek said quietly.

"I love you too," I replied, looking up into his eyes.

A loud shatter abruptly awoke me, and I sat up in bed. It was all a dream. There was no happy life with Derek.

I started to cry. I laid back down in bed and pulled the covers over my head. Sobs wracked my body.

I knew I should get up and help Zola or Bailey with whatever had just broken, but I couldn't. I felt like I couldn't move.

I missed Derek. I longed for his soft touch, for his caressing hold. I wanted to see his smiling face again.

I had been having vivid dreams lately, mostly about my old life. The pregnancy book I had bought, but truly didn't need, said that dreams like this were common at this point in my pregnancy. This was the first one about Derek.

I finally calmed down enough to sit up in bed. I looked up towards the ceiling with closed eyes and rubbed slow circles around my belly, trying to self-soothe.

I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed a tissue. Wiping my face clean of tears, I got up and walked to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. After doing so, I decided to head into the living room to greet the mess from the crash.

With my hand on the door handle, I paused, resting my forehead on the door. I imagined Derek wrapping his arms around me, kissing my neck.

I shook my head, trying to focus. I could not start crying again. I needed to be there for my kids.

Walking out towards the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks when I saw the mess. There was three quarters of a gallon of milk spilled all over the kitchen along with an entire box of cheerios.

Bailey sat on the ground, eating cheerios from the floor. Zola was trying to clean up the mess but was really just pushing milk around.

When Zola saw me, she froze, then burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, mommy!" she cried, "I was just trying to make breakfast."

"Hey, it's okay, ZoZo. Come here," I beckoned. She crawled into my lap, wetting me with milk.

"Accidents happen," I explained. "It was nice of you to try to make breakfast."

"I was hungry," she said, sniffling back tears, "and I didn't want to wake you up."

"That was very kind of you," I replied, rubbing her back. "Let's get you cleaned up."

I helped her and Bailey get undressed before cleaning up the mess. After bathing them, washing their clothes, and redressing them, I made them breakfast.

By the time the whole ordeal was over, I was exhausted. Dr. Seaver was right: my back was killing me.

I had planned on taking Zola and Bailey to the pool this hot August day. However, with the day's earlier events, I had a new plan.

Gathering Zola and Bailey onto the couch, I turned on a movie. With a heating pad under my back and Zola and Bailey entertained by the show, I drifted off to sleep.

I was woken by Zola and Bailey when the movie was finished. We headed out for a late lunch. The meal was delicious, and I enjoyed myself.

On the walk back to the car, I felt a small flutter in my stomach. I stopped the stroller and put a hand to my bump. I could feel the baby moving.

Tears pricked my eyes. My pregnancy felt real now. I was comforted by the feel of my daughter's movement in my stomach. She was alive and well.

I wished Derek was here. He should have been here for this milestone.

* * *

After putting Zola and Bailey to bed that night, I sat in bed. It was only nine o'clock, but I was exhausted.

Before going to bed, I decided to call Cristina. It had been a long day, and I needed to talk.

I dialed her, but her phone went to voicemail.

"Hey Cristina. It's me," I paused. "I- I just needed to talk. I've been thinking a lot about Derek lately, and- and it hurts. A lot," I stopped before continuing, "I've had a rough day. Um…just everything. The good thing was the baby moved, but it just made me think of Derek. Call me. Please."

I hung up the phone.

I laid back in bed on my back and put my hands on my expanding bump. I tried to stop myself from crying, but I couldn't.

I rolled over onto my side and tried to fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

The last two weeks had been difficult. I had begun to slowly heal after Derek's death, but the last fourteen days had unraveled it all.

Ever since having the dream about Derek and feeling the baby kick, I had been a mess. I was being haunted by Derek. With everything I did and saw, my mind connected it to Derek.

Along with Derek's ghosts, my pregnancy symptoms were driving me crazy. Especially a specific one. An inappropriate one.

I was walking down a boardwalk yesterday pushing Zola and Bailey in a stroller when I saw a man.

God, he was attractive.

I wanted him. It was completely inappropriate. It had been only four months since Derek's death. I knew I didn't actually want the man, it was just my pregnancy hormones.

Tears came to my eyes just thinking about this memory. I was betraying Derek. My Derek. I loved him so much.

This incident made me question my future. I could never be with another man. But I was still fairly young. Was I never going to have sex for the rest of my life?

I was supposed to be with Derek for the rest of my life. I was supposed to grow old with him. We were supposed to be forever.

How could I ever be with someone else? I couldn't.

My thoughts were interrupted by Zola. She and Bailey had been babbling to each other at the dinner table, and I hadn't needed to supplement the conversation. I was glad they had each other's friendship.

"Momma," she said, "Was Bailey in your stomach, like our baby sister is now?" I had told Zola and Bailey about them getting a younger sister after the ultrasound.

Touching my left hand to my stomach where the baby had been fluttering all day, I put down my fork. I was nineteen weeks pregnant, and my stomach was growing.

"Yes, he was," I responded to Zola. "You were there when he was in my tummy, but you probably don't remember because you were really little."

I turned to my right while saying this, wiping Bailey's face off.

"Was I in your stomach?" Zola asked, and my heart stopped.

I took a breath before continuing. Derek and I had told Zola about her adoption before.

"No, sweetie, you weren't. You were in another person's tummy. You were sick, and you came to the hospital where Daddy and I met you-," I was cut off before I could continue.

"And then you and Daddy loved me!" Zola said excitedly.

"That's right," I said with a smile, "we loved you very, very much. I love you so very much." I didn't know whether to use we or I. I needed Derek here.

Zola nodded, "I love you too, mommy. And I love Daddy, and Bailey, and my little sissy." She tapped her fork against her plastic plate a few times before announcing that she was done.

"Ok, take your plate up to the sink," I said. I put the dishes away and then put Zola and Bailey to bed. We had had a late dinner, and they were tired.

 _A/N: Sorry for the short chapter! I am in a rut. I think the next chapter is going to be pretty short too, but the next one should be longer!_


	9. Chapter 9

I stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel and squeezing the water out of my hair.

I then grabbed my pajamas, consisting of a soft t-shirt and athletic shorts, and pulled on my shorts. Stopping in front of the mirror, I looked at myself. At twenty weeks, I was definitely pregnant. I ran my finger along the scar from Bailey's C-section on my stomach. I shuddered from the memory.

I then put on my shirt, the fabric straining from the curve of my stomach.

After finishing getting ready for bed, I crawled under the covers. I sat up against the headboard with the lamp on, picking up a magazine.

I began to read the magazine, but I wasn't really into it. I sat there skimming the pages, something biting at my mind.

I closed the magazine, putting it down, allowing my thoughts to overwhelm me.

I had a lot to think about. What was I going to do with everything, with my life?

'I promise you, you and I will be parents.' Derek had said this to me a while ago. He had kept his promise, I thought to myself, rubbing my stomach, feeling my daughter's fluttering kicks.

Tears came to my eyes like they had practically every day since Derek had died.

What was I going to do?

I tried to straighten out my thoughts in my head. One thing at a time.

I took a deep breath.

Where would we live? I had to decide. Would I stay in San Francisco or go back to Seattle? I needed to decide. If I decided to stay here, I needed to find things for Zola and Bailey. Permanent things. Things that they would associate with home. Things that they would associate with San Francisco.

Along with deciding where to live came deciding my job situation. Derek's share of the hospital and our savings wouldn't hold us for forever. Three kids are expensive.

If I moved back to Seattle, I knew I would have a job waiting for me.

If I stayed here, I needed to start the job search. Now. I knew I would qualify for any job openings, but I also knew what my name would do to me.

Grey. Grey meant Ellis Grey. I would have to deal with her stigma all over again.

Shepherd. Shepherd meant famous neurosurgeon. Shepherd meant dead. How long would it be before my coworkers started to give me the pitiful stares I had left Seattle to escape?

I had so much to think about, and it was all too much. I breathed in and out, trying to settle myself and my thoughts. Deep breaths.

I decided to put off my important decisions, and go to bed. I turned off the side lamp and rolled over. With a hand on my bump, I tried to fall asleep.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up early. It was rare that I woke up before Zola and Bailey; they were usually the ones to wake me up.

I walked into the kitchen and made some tea. What I wouldn't give for a cup of coffee.

Sitting down at the kitchen table with my warm mug, I looked at the living room. It was a mess.

I put down my mug on the table and headed to the living room. I cleaned up Zola's and Bailey's toys, straightened the chairs, and fluffed the pillows. It took twenty minutes but it was well worth it.

I was nesting.

Going back to the kitchen table, I grabbed my now-cool tea and moved to sit down on the couch.

Pulling my legs up to my chest until my thighs were touching my rounded stomach, I let out a sigh. I was tired and the day hadn't even started.


	10. Chapter 10

"Mama!" Zola shouted. She climbed onto my bed, bouncing up and down. Bailey followed in pursuit, but struggled to get onto the bed. Blearily, I slowly sat up, then helped Bailey onto the bed.

"Mommy!" Zola screamed again. It was too loud, too early. "What are we going to do today?" She was still bouncing up and down.

"wud we do, Mama," Bailey joined in with a smile.

I looked out my bedroom window and saw the sun streaming through. It was the last day in August, and it would be one of the last warm days of the year.

"Why don't we go to the beach today?" I asked.

"Yes!" Zola said happily, clapping her hands. The same reaction came from Bailey. Today was going to be a beach day.

After eating breakfast, getting everyone dressed, and packing, we finally made it to the beach.

I put sunscreen on Zola and Bailey before giving them plastic shovels and buckets to play.

Once they were settled and happily playing, I let out a sigh before giving a sideways glance.

I had lived in Seattle almost all my life where it had been rainy. Add that to a deserting mother who rarely took me anywhere, and I only owned two bathing suits, both of which were bikinis.

I had felt self-conscious putting the bikini on this morning, and I dreaded taking off my shirt now.

I finally decided to leave my shirt on, but soon enough, Zola and Bailey wanted me to take them to the water. I was not going to spend the rest of the day in a wet shirt.

I ripped the Band-Aid off by quickly tearing off my shirt and stuffing it into a bag.

I looked down at my protruding stomach with a low sigh. I didn't like baring my stomach for the world to see. My bare baby bump was a thing just for Derek to see, not everyone at the beach.

There was nothing I could do about it now, so I took Zola's and Bailey's hands and we walked towards the water's edge.

"It's cold!" Zola shrieked when she felt the water.

I laughed at Zola's shock. The Pacific Ocean was rarely ever warm, so today's cold was not too much of a shock for me.

I picked Bailey up and settled him on my hip, his legs wrapped around my distended stomach.

I took Zola in my other hand and we waded into the ocean despite the cold. However, it was just a few short minutes before Zola had decided she had had enough, so we walked backed onto the beach.

I settled Zola and Bailey on the sand and they started to play. After toweling myself off, I put my shirt back on, glad to have my bump covered.

Zola and Bailey were happily playing in the sand as I watched on from a chair.

After a while, Bailey became tired and crawled into my lap and feel asleep. Bailey was in a light sleep; we were both uncomfortable. He was sand-covered and kept trying to lean against my chest, but my bump was in the way.

Zola was entertaining herself, building some sort of castle, but after a while, she too became bored. Beach day was over, and just in time too. The grit of the sand rubbing against me was driving me insane.

Once at home I rinsed Bailey off and put him in his toddler crib for a proper nap.

I then took Zola to my bathroom to give her a bath. Deciding to clean myself too, I took off my clothes and carefully climbed into the bath with Zola.

I sat with Zola facing me, her playing with her bath toys, splashing the water.

I washed Zola, rinsing her carefully before leaning back and breathing deeply. A warm bath was nice.

After a while, Zola looked up at me, taking a break from her babbling.

"Can I sit in your lap, Mama?"

"Sure," I said, "Come here." Zola sat sideways across my lap, our legs crisscrossing. Her stomach curled around the outside of my stomach, her head resting on my swollen breasts.

We sat in silence for a few moments. I could tell Zola wanted to say something, but she was nervous.

"Mommy, are you going to love me when the new baby comes?" she asked finally. My heart broke into two.

"Of course I'm going to love you! You're my Zozo! I will always love you," I said, giving her a small squeeze. Zola put her hand on my stomach, then gave it a wet kiss just above my belly button.

"And I will always love the baby," Zola said happily. She smiled, then all of a sudden turned sullen.

"What's wrong, Zola?"

"Do you think Daddy will be able to love sissy from heaven?" Zola asked.

I tilted my head to the side, trying to stop the tears. It was questions like these that hurt my heart.

"Of course Daddy will be able to love your sister from heaven," I replied to Zola, trying to stop my voice from cracking. I wish Derek was here to love the baby for real. I wish he was here to massage my tired feet, help with the kids, and run to get food to satisfy my late-night cravings. I wish Derek was here to hold the baby and love her when she came. I wish Derek was here to love me.

Zola had pondered my statement for a minute before looking at the ceiling and saying, "I love you, Daddy." She scooted off my lap to reach her toys.

Trying to hide my tears from Zola, I splashed my face with the soapy water

I watched her play until the water lost its warmth, then got out of the bath and dried off, doing the same for Zola. We had just gotten dressed when I heard Bailey over the monitor.

The rest of the day went quickly, and Zola, Bailey, and I all went to bed early, exhausted from the beach.

 _A/N: This is not supposed to be the scene shown on Grey's where Meredith, Zola, and Bailey were at the beach._


	11. Chapter 11

Five weeks later…

* * *

"Play hide seek?" Bailey asked me, looking up with big eyes.

I wanted to play with Bailey and Zola, but my body screamed no. My body ached from the pregnancy; I didn't feel like myself. I didn't want to disappoint them, but I just couldn't. I especially didn't want to become my mother, leaving my children's memories filled with disappointment.

"I wish, Bailey, but I think it's time for bed," I half-lied. Normally I would have given him a half-hour more, but I decided reading a book while sitting down would feel better than running after a two and a half year old.

I reached down to pick up Bailey but thought better of it when my back muscles warned me against it. Instead I took his hand and lead him to his bedroom to get him ready for bed. Before turning the corner, I gave a last glance at Zola who was happily enticed by the t.v..

After getting Bailey in his pajamas and brushing his teeth, he sat on my lap while I sat on a chair reading two books to him.

I put him to bed, then put Zola to bed.

Once in my bedroom I laid down on my bed with a sigh. I was exhausted and uncomfortable. After a few minutes, I decided to take a bath to soothe my aching muscles and sat up with a moan.

I ran the water, took some Advil, and slid into the tub once it was hot.

I felt my muscles relaxing with the heat of the water and closed my eyes.

Days like these made me wish Derek was here more than ever. He should have been here to help me. He should have been here to make dinner, to take care of Zola and Bailey when I was sore and exhausted.

He should have been here to massage my tired muscles. He should have been here to take care of his pregnant wife.

I knew what Derek would be doing if he was here. He would have stepped into the bath and sat behind me, my back resting against his stomach. His hands would have wrapped around me to move circles around my stomach. Then, he would have helped me sit forward, and he would have massaged my back, working out the knots.

What I wouldn't give to have Derek in my life right now. He was, no, _is,_ the love of my life. When he was alive I thought I would die if I wasn't with Derek. Then, when he was in D.C., I learned I could live without him, but I didn't want to.

Now I was living without him, and it sucked. I shifted uncomfortably in the bath. The water was getting cold.

I groaned as I stepped out of the tub. I dried off and got in my pajamas before grabbing a heating pad and lotion from the bathroom closet.

Sitting on top of the bed, leaning against the pillows that were in front of the headboard, I lifted up my shirt and tucked it under my breasts. I grabbed the thick body butter and rubbed it in circles around my stomach.

I tilted my head, examining the sides of my stomach. At twenty-five weeks, the stretch marks were red and angry. I hadn't gotten stretch marks until I was thirty weeks pregnant with Bailey, but here they were, five weeks earlier.

I was feeling self-conscious of my body. My feet were starting to swell and I felt like a whale. I still had fifteen weeks to go.

When I was pregnant with Bailey, Derek was constantly telling me how beautiful I was. He would catch me staring despairingly at my body in the mirror and would sneak up behind me.

"You're gorgeous," he would say softly, whispering into my ear.

I pulled my shirt back down, trying to get Derek out of my head. These memories made me sad. I didn't want to think about it.

I popped two more Advil before slowly crawling under the covers with the heating pad under my back.

* * *

The next morning I was woken up the usual way: with Zola and Bailey storming into my room. I was shocked the first time Bailey had walked into the room with Zola. Usually Zola came into my room alone, and then we would go get Bailey.

After Bailey had first toddled in with Zola, Zola had explained that she had gotten Bailey out of his crib. I didn't understand how, but she had done it. Ever since then, this had become our morning routine.

Zola climbed onto the bed and under the covers, then snuggled next to me.

Bailey then scrambled into bed too. In the last five weeks he had learned to climb onto my bed by himself. He was growing up quickly right before my eyes.

He laid himself on top of the covers between Zola and me. They were quiet, and I hoped that if I was too, they would fall back asleep.

I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew there was an arm jabbing into my neck. I looked at the clock: 7:07. It had been two minutes.

As Zola and Bailey began to squirm, I knew the day had started.

I arched my back as I sat up in bed. My muscles were still sore, but not nearly as bad as yesterday.

Zola leaned against my side, talking to me. I was able to fulfill my part of the conversation with nods and 'mm-hmms' every now and then.

Bailey sat up next to my extended legs facing me. He was playing with a toy he had brought in. His diaper needed a change.

I had started trying to potty train him but with little luck. I wanted him potty trained by the time the baby was born. I needed Derek here. He had worked magic with Zola where as I had difficulty.

My thoughts were interrupted by Zola. She had put her hand on my stomach, joining the baby in on the conversation.

It was sweet to watch Bailey contently playing with his toy and listening to Zola talk to my stomach, but I wished Derek was here. He should have been here for this.


	12. Chapter 12

"Mommy! Mama!" Bailey babbled over the monitor.

I opened up my eyes to see the sunlight streaming through window. This was strange. It had been so long since I hadn't been woken up by Zola and Bailey in my room.

I got up and went to the bathroom before getting Bailey. It was still early, so I sat with Bailey on the couch.

After a while, I was concerned that Zola wasn't up. I checked my phone: 7:40 a.m., October 10th.

Shortly after, I heard Zola crying. Something was wrong.

I walked into Zola's room, Bailey toddling after me.

"Hey, Zo," I said, picking her up from her bed.

"Mama," she said softly, gripping my shirt in her hands, burying her head into my shoulder.

Her head was warm against my body, and I could tell her sniffles weren't just from crying.

I carried her into my bathroom, sitting her on my counter. I grabbed a thermometer and took her temperature. 100.2.

I gave her some children's Motrin, then carried her into the living room. I put her on the couch, underneath the blankets.

In the kitchen, I prepared breakfast for Bailey, then Zola.

With Bailey happily eating in the kitchen, I gave Zola her breakfast. When she had finished eating, I turned on the television for her.

By the time Bailey had finished with his breakfast, Zola was fast asleep.

Deciding to let her get some rest, I turned on a monitor, then took Bailey into his room to play.

* * *

After playing with Bailey for a while, I quietly made him lunch in the kitchen while Zola continued sleeping.

When Bailey finished eating, I put him down for a nap. As luck would have it, Zola woke up as soon as Bailey was asleep.

"Mommy," Zola whined, "I still don't feel good."

It was moments like these that I was glad I was here in San Francisco, not working. If I was still in Seattle, I would be at work, and I wouldn't be able to take care of Zola. This time in San Francisco was allowing me to not be my mother.

"I know, sweetie," I said, sitting down next to Zola, pulling her into my lap. "Do you want to snuggle in bed with mommy?" I asked.

"Mm-hmm," Zola mumbled in response.

I picked Zola up, her legs wrapping around my baby bump.

After giving her more medicine, I laid down in bed, pulling the feverish Zola closer to me.

Zola sniffled and mumbled something incoherent. I rubbed her back, willing for her to fall asleep again.

After ten minutes, Zola's snuffled breathing evened out, and I knew she had fallen asleep.

Still sleeping, Zola rolled away from me. I took this chance, and I quietly crawled out of bed.

I grabbed a book of baby names from its plastic bag from the floor along with a highlighter.

I carefully climbed back into bed, sitting next to Zola. I sat up, propping myself against three pillows.

Resting the book of names on my stomach, I began flipping through it.

I skimmed the names for girls, looking for anything that caught my eye.

Cheryl. Too old fashioned.

Elizabeth. A classic, but one of Derek's sister's names.

Jemima. How did this even make the book?

Lily. Now, this was a nice name. Lily Shepherd. Lily Grey. I highlighted it.

Samantha. Too much.

After a long time spent browsing the book, I closed it shut. I had spent forty minutes, and although I had liked Lily and a few other names, nothing had really felt right.

I decided to give names some though later.

With a tired sigh, I put the book on my bedside table, then laid on my side to try and get some sleep.

I had just shut my eyes when Zola started coughing and squirming.

Before I could roll over to comfort her, Zola had started to cry.

"Shhhhhh. It's okay," I said to Zola, trying to calm her tears.

Her tears quickly subsided to sniffles.

We both sat up in bed, and I helped Zola blow her nose.

"Mommy," Zola said looking into my eyes, "can we snuggle?"

"Of course," I said to her.

She leaned her head against the top of my bump, her arms wrapped in a circle, caressing my stomach.

I kissed the top of her head, rubbing my hand up and down her arm.

Bailey's cries sounded loudly over the monitor.

Zola and I had fallen asleep, me sitting up. I shifted Zola off of me and laid her down to the side.

"Mommy, where are you going?" Zola asked softly, still half asleep.

"I'm going to get Bailey. I'll be right back," I responded.

I walked towards Bailey's room, his cries sounding loudly. This was strange. He usually cried then babbled to himself until I got him.

I opened the door to his room and stopped in my tracks.

He had barfed, and there was vomit all over himself and his crib.

I carefully picked Bailey up, holding him at arm's length away.

I carried him into my bathroom, glancing at Zola, seeing that she was still asleep. I put him in the bath and started to rinse him off.

It made me upset to see Bailey sitting in the bath, him looking at me with big, sad eyes.

He obviously felt sick, based on his sniffles and whines. He kept mumbling and wasn't splashing the water around like he usually did.

Halfway through bathing Bailey, Zola slowly walked into the bathroom.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Zozo?" I asked.

"My stomach hurts," she whined.

I knew what was going to happen.

Before I could get a word in, Zola promptly threw up all over the bathroom floor.

I took a deep breath as Zola began to cry.

"Come here," I said to Zola, giving her a hug.

I quickly finished rinsing Bailey off, then got him dressed.

I put Zola and Bailey on the living room couch each with a trash can, hoping that if they barfed again it would be in there.

I spent the next hour cleaning up both of their vomits.

It was going to be a long few days.


	13. Chapter 13

I had decided to spend one on one time with both Zola and Bailey.

It was easier when Derek was here. He could take one kid, and I could take the other, each of them getting special attention.

Without him, I felt that Zola and Bailey were always sharing my attention.

I felt bad. I didn't want either of them feeling like they weren't good enough, so I had dropped Zola off at daycare yesterday, and today I dropped Bailey off to spend time with Zola.

Zola and I had gone to the park for her special day with me. She played on the equipment for a while, then had ice cream even though it was mid-October.

After feeding the ducks, it was time to pick up Bailey.

In the car, Zola was quiet. I knew something was brewing, as Zola was never quiet. If she wasn't talking to someone, then she was talking to herself.

I kept glancing at her in the rearview mirror as I drove, just to see her sitting in her car seat staring straight ahead.

"Hey Zola," I said to her, "Is everything alright?"

"Yes," she replied simply.

After a few more minutes, she finally spoke up.

"Mommy, why did Daddy have to die?" she asked.

I took a deep breath.

"He got hurt saving other people's lives," I responded, trying yet again to give her the simplest explanation.

"I know," Zola said.

I was confused.

After a few more minutes, Zola spoke again.

"But it's not fair that my Daddy had to die," she said.

"I know, sweetie. It's not fair at all," I replied, holding back my tears.

"And now I'm going to have a little sissy and she's not going to have a daddy just like me and Bailey!" she said, bursting into tears.

My heart broke hearing Zola say this. It was true. The baby would never meet her father, Bailey would have no memories of Derek, and Zola, later in her life, would barely remember her loving Daddy.

"Oh, Zola," I said to her, reaching behind me with my right hand to rub her knee, "but at least your sister will have you to always tell her and remind her about Daddy."

Zola let out a sniffle in response.

I felt terrible. Zola hadn't had an outburst about Derek for a few months. It had made it easier on me, and her crying now, brought back the grief and depression.

Zola was right. It wasn't fair at all that Derek died. It wasn't fair to his two children and unborn child.

It wasn't fair to me.

I pulled the car into the daycare parking lot, then got out of the front seat. I opened up the door on Zola's side.

I leaned over Zola's car seat, my belly brushing up against the side. I wiped off Zola's tears and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

* * *

Later that night, after I had put Zola and Bailey to bed, I was getting dressed in my bathroom.

I came out of my closet and saw the scale sitting on the floor.

Usually I wasn't one to weigh myself too often, and during my pregnancy the scale was rarely used.

However, I was curious, and I stepped onto the scale.

When the number flashed on the little screen, I stepped back. I knew how much weight I gained when I was pregnant with Bailey. I knew as a doctor that the weight I had gained was healthy, but it was still shocking.

I did not like it.

I wished Derek was here to remind me that I was beautiful, and that the weight I gained didn't matter because it was for the baby.

But he wasn't here. Instead, I got dressed in my pajamas, turning sideways in front of the mirror.

The fabric of the soft, pink, cotton t-shirt I was wearing was strained from my protruding stomach.

My belly button had popped too, and it stuck out.

I ran my hand from top to bottom, over the length of my pregnant belly.

I hated this.

I hated that this baby would never know its father.

I hated that Derek would never know this baby. I desperately wished all of the time that Derek was here.

He should have been here to care for me. He should have been here to care for Zola and Bailey.

He should have been here to care for the child that was inside of me.

Instead I was alone.

I was by myself, destined to raise three children as a single mother.

I didn't deserve this, and my three children certainly did not deserve this.

It was all so unfair. If that crappy hospital would have just gotten Derek a head c.t., he would have been fine.

We would be living in Seattle, still happily working at Grey Sloan. I would be with my friends.

Derek and I would be happy again in our marriage. We would have realized the second chance we had been given by his close brush with death.

Derek would be there for me every step of the way through my pregnancy.

Life would have been perfect.

I wouldn't be standing alone in a bathroom in an apartment in San Francisco.

I wouldn't lie alone in bed. Derek would have been next to me, his hand cradling my bump as we fell asleep.

I wouldn't be caring for Zola and Bailey by myself. I wouldn't be hearing them cry for their Daddy who was never coming home.

Life was unfair like that.

It twisted and turned. Heck, out of anyone, I knew that. I had survived so much: my father's abandonment, my mother's disappointment, a drowning, a bomb, and a plane crash that killed my sister.

I had survived it all, but the worst pain came from when I wasn't involved.

Someone else had had the tragic accident, but it hurt me the most.

It was all so unfair. No one should have to endure this.


	14. Chapter 14

Sitting at the kitchen table, I watched Zola and Bailey happily munching on their dinner.

Bailey tried to spoon applesauce into his, but missed his mouth completely, smearing it over his cheek and chin. I tried to scoot forward to wipe his face, but my stomach bumped into the table, preventing me from reaching Bailey's face.

At twenty-eight weeks, my stomach was definitely a large baby bump.

I was large and uncomfortable and wished these twelve weeks would hurry by.

"Mommy, guess what happened today at school?" Zola said to me.

I had started Zola at school in September. It was difficult sending her off without Derek.

Derek should have been with me as we dropped her off on her first day. He should have held my hand as Zola didn't even look back as she ran into the classroom.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Well, I was coloring and Jack was coloring too," she said, "and then Jack kissed me!"

"Wow." I said, shocked. I did not see that coming. I sat in stunned silence.

"But then he got in trouble, and I was happy, 'cause kissing is yucky," Zola finished.

"Yeah, kissy yucky!" Bailey chimed in.

I laughed at Zola and Bailey. I was glad Zola didn't enjoy the kiss. I didn't need her following in my footsteps at all, nonetheless this early.

I frowned, thinking that Derek would have loved hearing about this. He would have been just as shocked as me, but he would have laughed, too. I imagined him sitting next to me at the table, and us locking eyes, laughing at Zola's reaction to her kiss.

"Don't be sad, Mommy," Zola said, obviously registering my sorrow, "I don't think kissing you is yucky!"

"Well that's good!" I said to Zola with a smile, "because I am always going to kiss you and Bailey."

"And new baby!" Bailey said excitedly.

"Yes, and the new baby," I said, agreeing with Bailey.

Zola and Bailey started talking to each other. I was glad they had each other's friendship, and I hoped they welcomed their baby sister and included her.

I drifted off into thought, staring at the wall, barely listening to Zola and Bailey's chatter.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a tightening across my stomach.

I grimaced slightly, rubbing my hand down the side of my stomach.

The Braxton-Hicks contractions had started a few days ago. They were definitely stronger than when I was pregnant with Bailey, but no nearly as strong as the real labor pains I had had before my C-section.

"Mommy, are you okay?" Zola asked, detecting my pain.

"Oh, I'm fine, Zozo," I said, trying to reassure her.

She turned her attention away from me for a moment, then loudly announced that she was done.

I took her and Bailey's plates to the sink, then told them they could play for a bit before bedtime.

I sat down on the couch, supervising Zola's and Bailey's playing.

I was tired, and zoned out again, watching them, but with a glaze over my eyes.

Before I knew it, Zola was standing in front of me, a stuffed animal of hers shoved under her shirt.

"Look, Mommy! I'm you!" she said proudly.

"Wow, look at you," I said with a laugh.

"Bailey is my baby's daddy," she said simply.

"I'm daddy," he said, confirming Zola's statement.

I laughed to myself, wishing I had recorded this conversation to embarrass them later. Derek would have gotten it on tape. He was always there with a camera, recording the little things.

Maybe I was failing them as a mom. What if it was their graduation and I didn't have any pictures of them as kids? I resolved to take more pictures.

Zola took the stuffed animal out from her shirt and held it carefully in her arms.

"Now I have a baby," she said, explaining the obvious to me.

"Very good," I replied.

"Can I hold my sister?" Zola asked with a hopeful smile.

"When she gets here," I responded.

"I can't wait for my sister! Will she be here tomorrow?" Zola questioned.

"Not tomorrow. In about three months, your little sister will be here."

"But that's forever," Zola said with a groan.

"How is sissy going to get here?" Bailey asked, suddenly interjecting himself into the conversation.

I thought before carefully responding, "In a couple months, when the baby is ready, she'll come out of my belly," I said while rubbing my stomach.

I really needed to figure out a name. I couldn't keep calling the baby 'baby.'

"Okay," Bailey said in response. I was glad he accepted that response. I didn't need him asking any more questions. I didn't want to go into the details of childbirth.

Truthfully, I was worried about giving birth. With Bailey, it had been no walk in the park. Even before the surprise C-section, the labor I had been in was painful.

If my labor was natural, I didn't know how I would do it without Derek.

Just to confirm my worries, another Braxton-Hicks contractions tightened my stomach.

Apart from the pain labor would bring, I was also worried about having another complicated birth.

What if I died this time? I was lucky before. I barely survived an injured spleen and C-section while having surgery in the dark. I didn't think I would be that lucky if it happened again.

If I died, I would be leaving three kids without parents. I couldn't do that again.

I rubbed my stomach, trying to calm my nerves.

I watched Zola and Bailey play, their peacefulness calming my nerves.

I was lucky I had them. I couldn't imagine surviving Derek's death without them. Every day they subtly reminded me of him.

From Zola's actions that were mirrors of him, to Bailey's eyes which were the same, they kept me going.

If I didn't have them after Derek died, I didn't know where I would be. Honestly, I didn't think I would have made it without them giving me a reason to live.

They pulled me through, and in three months, there would be a third.


	15. Chapter 15

I walked through the grocery store tiredly pushing the cart with Bailey in it, and Zola holding my hand.

At twenty-nine weeks I was exhausted. My hormones were all over the place, and it took everything in me to not take my mood swings out on Zola and Bailey.

Walking through the aisles, I picked food, trying to think of meals I was capable of making.

I wished I had learned to cook.

Along with food, I also grabbed more thick body butter and lavender oil. Baths were the only time I was comfortable lately. They had become my nightly routine, time to myself after Zola and Bailey had gone to bed.

After finishing shopping, I pushed the shopping cart towards the front of the store to check out.

I groaned to myself as I saw the lines. There had to be thirty people in line to check out, and only three checkout stations were open.

This was not going to be fun with two young, bored children.

I stood in line waiting, giving Bailey my phone to entertain him and Zola a kids' magazine.

"How far along are you?" a voice behind me asked. I turned around to see an older woman, maybe in her mid-sixties, staring at me with a smile.

"Oh, uh, twenty-nine weeks," I said awkwardly, trying not to engage in conversation.

"That's great! Third trimester, almost there!" the woman replied. "May I feel?" she asked beckoning towards my stomach.

Before I could stop her, she had her hands on my stomach.

I grimaced, the lady not getting my hints that I wasn't into this conversation.

"So, I bet the father is excited," she hinted. I had about had it. It took everything in me to not lash out at her. This line could not be moving any slower.

In response to her, I just turned my head to the right. At this point, I didn't care if I was being rude.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, "I thought with three kids you'd be in a relationship."

I took a deep breath again.

The older woman continued, "You know, I know some numbers of trustable nannies I could give you. I'm sure you need the help."

I had about had it. I turned to her and said, "I'm doing just fine, thanks though," before turning around again.

"But it's got to be tough," she said clearly not getting my hints to leave me alone, "I mean, I really don't know why anyone would choose to have three kids without having a dependable partner by her side."

That was it.

"It is rude to judge people based on their parenting methods. Even if you have those feelings, keep them to yourself," I paused before deciding to continue, "and I'll have you know," I took a deep breath, "my husband died, leaving me to raise my three beautiful kids without him."

I turned around again, wiping tears from my face. Thankfully I had finally reached the front of the line, and the teenager behind the counter began to check me out.

Without making eye contact with anyone else in the store, I hurriedly paid and went to the car.

After spending some time struggling to buckle Zola and Bailey into the car, I opened the trunk to load the groceries into the trunk.

While lifting the milk into the back of the car, someone came up behind me and lifted a bag into the trunk.

I looked up to see the same obnoxious lady from the store.

I opened my mouth to tell her to go away, but before I could she spoke.

"I'm sorry for before," she said, still helping me unload the groceries from the cart, "I didn't know of, um, your situation."

It was nice of her to apologize, but it was too little too late.

"Thank you," I replied, before shutting the trunk and getting in the front seat, wedging my stomach behind the steering wheel.

I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the lady pushing the cart into one of the return the cart sections before pulling out and driving home.

* * *

After putting Zola and Bailey to bed that night, I sat on the couch in the living room, phone in hand.

I had texted Cristina after the grocery store incident telling her that she had to call later. I needed to talk to someone.

The phone rang, and I immediately picked it up.

"Hey," I said into the phone. It was 9 o'clock, meaning Cristina was up, probably driving to work.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Not much," I replied, "are you on your way to work?"

"Mer, you texted me saying you needed to talk, I know you. You need to talk," she said, avoiding my question.

"There was an incident today," I paused. Cristina didn't say anything, giving me a chance to continue.

"A woman standing in line behind me at a grocery store was rude about my…um…circumstances. She said it was irresponsible to be raising three kids without a father," I told her, breaking down in tears.

"Ohhh, Mer," Cristina said, "shhhhhhhh, it's alright."

Sobs wracked my body as I tried, and failed, to calm myself down. My knees were pulled as close to my chest as I could get them with my baby bump in the way.

"But she was right, Cristina!" I cried into the phone, "I can't do this. I can't raise them without a father!"

"Meredith," Cristina said blatantly. "You are a great mom. Yes, it sucks that you have to do this without Derek, but you are fully competent. Zola, Bailey, and fetus are lucky to have you."

I let out a small laugh at Cristina calling the baby fetus. It reminded me of when I was pregnant with Bailey.

"Thanks, Cristina. I needed to hear that," I told her. The weekly talks with Cristina were the only thing getting me through this without Derek.

"I wish I could see you," I said to Cristina.

"I know. I do too," she responded, "it's boring without you."

"Sometime soon," I replied.

"Sometime soon," she agreed, then hung up.

I wiped my nose, my tears subsiding.

I walked into my bedroom and laid down on the right side of the bed, gripping a pillow close to me.

I missed Derek.

 **A/N: And... Only five chapters left! Can't believe it's almost done!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I definitely do not own Grey's.**

"Come on, Zo, let's go," I told Zola as she lagged behind.

I was pushing Bailey's stroller outside on a windy day. I was frustrated with both Zola and Bailey. Neither were cooperating, and I was annoyed.

It was Thanksgiving, and I was rushing around last minute trying to pick up food to make a decent Thanksgiving dinner for Zola and Bailey. Oh, how I wished Izzie was here to help me out.

Suddenly feeling my phone vibrate inside my coat, I pulled it out. Seeing who was calling, I groaned, slamming the phone against my thigh.

In a moment of sheer frustration, I answered the FaceTime call from the person I had purposely been ignoring for these last thirty-three weeks.

Alex's face flashed on the screen.

"Hey! Hey, you're alive!" he said excitedly. I had had enough. I didn't want him trying to contact me anymore. I needed to be away.

I angled the phone, so it showed only my face, keeping the screen away from the driving reason I had stayed out of contact.

"Alex, listen," I said to him, "I'm fine. The kids are fine. We're okay." I tried to reassure him so he would stop calling.

"I'm fine," I said again, "Please stop calling." I ended the call before he could put in another word.

I did feel the tiniest bit of remorse being so rude to him. Alex had always been there for me, and he didn't deserve to be treated this way.

I could imagine how he felt, sitting in what I could tell was my old house in Seattle.

He was worried. For all he knew, I could have been dead.

I did feel a bit better after finally answering the phone. He had seen my face and would hopefully stop calling. He knew I was alive, so maybe now he could leave me alone.

* * *

I sat at dinner with Zola and Bailey.

I missed my Seattle family. We had always done, or purposefully not done, Thanksgiving dinner together.

Instead I was stuck here with my kids, alone.

I was here without Derek.

As much as Alex's calls had irritated me, seeing his face had been nice. It had given me hope.

My thoughts were interrupted by another Braxton-Hicks contraction tightening my stomach.

I then thought about next Thanksgiving. I would have three kids then.

What if I wasn't back in Seattle by then? Would I spend another Thanksgiving just with my kids? Would I ever be able to form a connection with another person my age?

Maybe returning to Seattle would be best. Not now, not soon, but eventually. I could return a while after the baby's birth. I would call someone first.

No. This is ridiculous. I couldn't return to Seattle. I would be facing the same things I left Seattle to avoid.

I would stay here and start over. It wasn't worth going back to Seattle. I needed a fresh start. I could make friends with the woman down the hall. Or I could make friends with some of the parents of the children in Zola's class.

I returned my attention to the table and watched Bailey shove the microwave mash potatoes into his mouth. They were my family.

Zola, the African baby that Derek wanted to adopt, was my family.

Bailey, the miracle baby birthed in the dark, was my family.

Cristina, so far away in Zurich, was my family.

The baby growing in my uterus was my family.

They were all my family.

I imagined the rest of my family in Seattle. Maggie. Richard. Alex. Callie. They were probably all celebrating together. Without me.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Half my family was here. Half my family was in Seattle.

The most important part of my family was dead.

 **A/N: Sorry for the chapter! More to come soon.**


	17. Chapter 17

"Meredith Grey," I said to the nurse behind the check-in counter at the OB/GYN.

I was here to see Dr. Seaver for my thirty-five week appointment. I had been seeing her once a week for the past few weeks, and this week was no different.

I sat down in the waiting room, looking around.

There were women who were there either in their early stages of pregnancy or for just a routine appointment.

Then there were women there like me, with large, rounded bellies, eagerly awaiting the birth of their child.

However, most were unlike me.

Most of the heavily pregnant women were sitting with the fathers of their children. They were holding hands, reading parenting magazines together, or just looking lovingly into each other's eyes.

I, on the other hand, was sitting here by myself. I was alone, while my husband lay in the earth, miles away from San Francisco.

Derek was dead, and I was alone at this appointment. He should have been here. He was there for all of my appointments with Bailey, but he was missing these.

I wiped my eyes, trying to keep the tears from flowing. I picked up a magazine, flipping through it, trying to distract myself.

Finally my name was called.

I heaved myself up from the chair, using the armrest as leverage. The weight of my burgeoning baby bump had shifted my center of gravity, making me less than graceful.

I had been more careful lately, desperately wanting to avoid a dangerous move like my fall down the stairs I had when I was pregnant with Bailey.

This time around, Derek wasn't here to remind me to be careful. I was doing it on my own.

He should have been here.

Damn, these appointments were hard.

I followed the nurse, complying with her instructions as she weighed me and took my blood pressure, among other things.

I was finally left in a room with just myself and my thoughts, patiently waiting for Dr. Seaver.

Sitting on the examination table, I thought about various things, trying to keep Derek out of my head.

At last I heard a knock at the door, and Dr. Seaver let herself in.

"Meredith! How are you doing?" she asked. I was glad she remembered to call me Meredith.

"Alright," I replied, "pretty tired."

She gave a little chuckle. "Well, that can be expected at thirty-five weeks, chasing after two kids."

Dr. Seaver was a good doctor. I appreciated how she carefully avoided Derek in any conversation.

After a quick glance at my chart, Dr. Seaver had me pull up my shirt so she could examine my abdomen. She felt around before determining that the baby was head down, right as she should be.

When Dr. Seaver finished she flipped open my chart and began discussing things with me.

"Your weight gain is right on track, and your blood pressure is good, too," she said as she went on looking at my chart, reviewing things.

When she was finished looking over the chart, she said, "Overall, everything looks great! There is still one thing I would like to talk to you about, but before I get into it, do you have any questions?"

I hesitated, and Dr. Seaver picked up on my worries.

"Meredith, it's important you talk to me about any concerns you have," she told me, looking me in the eye.

"Um, you probably read this in my chart," I said, pointing towards my patient information.

"I mean, the complication with my last birth. Is there any chance of face presentation again?" I asked, "I'm a little—very worried about her birth. If something goes wrong again, and I'm not so lucky this time, my kids will have no one."

It felt good to finally express my fears.

"That's along the lines of what I wanted to talk to you about, Meredith," Dr. Seaver replied, "I wanted to discuss with you your birth plan."

I nodded.

"As of now, I have no concerns about a repetition of what happened with your last birth. The baby is in a great position: she's not breech, her head is down, butt is up, and it all looks good for a go-ahead for a natural birth. I know you are a doctor and so you know things can change, but as of now it is perfect."

"With my last birth being a C-section, not a live birth, is that going to be an issue?" I asked.

"Usually with pregnancies after a C-section, I would recommend another C-section, but, as I said before, everything looks great, and I am not worried at all. A natural birth is fine and healthy for you and your baby."

I sighed with relief. I did not want another surgery, risking leaving three motherless children.

"So, the birth plan?" I asked.

"Yes," Dr. Seaver said, "I was wondering what you were thinking. Drugs, no drugs? Have you been to any Lamaze classes?"

"I'm not quite sure. Last time I had planned on no drugs, but this time, without um, without my husband, I want to be sane, so I might take the epidural. On the other hand, this is the last time I'll give birth, and I sort of want the natural experience."

I had given this a lot of thought. I knew the birth would be difficult, especially without any of my friends to support me, but I had to do it on my own.

"Those are both great points. Whatever you choose, I support. It's your birth, no one else's," Dr. Seaver said, reassuring me.

I nodded again. I was thinking about a lot of things. These were hard decisions, and I wished Derek was here to help me with him. It was his child's birth, too.

"I don't usually have to ask this, but given the circumstances, it's necessary, and I'm sorry I have to do this," Dr. Seaver said with an apologetic look on her face, "When your daughter is born, the father usually cuts the umbilical cord. Is it alright if a nurse cuts it for you?"

"Of course," I said quickly, wanting to get this conversation over with, "that's fine."

Dr. Seaver finished up the rest of the appointment, including an ultrasound, before reminding me to schedule an appointment for next week.

This appointment had been difficult, and I hurried to pick up Zola and Bailey, ready for a welcome distraction.


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's**

I woke up early this morning. It was going to be a busy day, and I needed a head start. Tomorrow was Christmas day, and there were presents to wrap, cookies to bake, and children to care for.

While Zola and Bailey were still asleep, I wrapped the rest of their presents, putting some of them under the tree and the rest in my closet. I would put them under the tree later tonight.

By the time Zola and Bailey had woken up, I was already exhausted. My stomach was constantly getting in the way. At thirty-seven weeks, I was almost full term, and my stomach was huge—I looked like I would go into labor any day.

Throughout the day I chased after Zola and Bailey, their Christmas anticipation giving them more than enough energy.

In the afternoon, Zola, Bailey, and I made and decorated cookies for Santa. I watched as they messily smeared icing over the break-and-bake sugar cookies, and I was happy. They were so sweet and excited for Christmas.

I knew this Christmas would be tough as it was with every holiday, but this one worse than others.

Derek had loved Christmas. He had spoiled Zola and Bailey while still teaching them about the kindness and love that was the Christmas season.

This would be the first of many Christmases without Derek. Soon, Christmases with Derek would fade from Zola and Bailey's memories, and it was up to me to make sure that when they were adults, they looked back on their childhood holidays fondly.

For Christmas Eve dinner, Zola, Bailey, and I went out to dinner. We didn't go out often, but this was a special occasion.

Zola and Bailey had enjoyed their dinner, animatedly talking to the waiter about what they hoped Santa was bringing them.

After dinner, I let Zola and Bailey stay up later than usual even though I knew they were going to be up early.

I finally got Bailey to bed, and then it was Zola's turn.

After getting her dressed and teeth brushed, I got her in bed and read her a book.

After the book, I tried leaving, so I could put the rest of the presents under the tree and then go to bed, but Zola was insistent on staying awake.

"I know you're not sleepy," I said, "but you have to go to close your eyes or else he won't come." I was doing everything I could to convince Zola now was a great time to go to bed.

"Will he bring me some toys?" Zola asked sweetly.

"If you go to sleep," I replied. She was becoming more and more stubborn like me every day.

"Will he bring me a baby sister?" she questioned. I laughed at that one.

"Well, not tonight," I said. It wasn't going to be tonight, but I knew it was going to be soon.

I finally saw Zola's eyes starting to droop, and I knew this was my chance. I leaned forward and kissed her, then stood up from the chair, putting one hand under my bump and the other on the bed for support.

I walked, with the slightest waddle, to the door. Right before I reached it, I heard a heart wrenching comment from Zola.

"I wish Daddy were here," she said sadly.

I turned around, putting my hand on the door frame. Even though these types of statements were coming less and less often from Zola and Bailey, every time I heard them, it took my breath away.

I felt the same way.

"Night, night, sweetie," I said to her, trying to avoid crying in front of Zola, "sleep tight."

I walked out of her room and walked into the living room.

As soon as I sat down on the couch, I broke down. I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees, placing my forehead on my hands.

This Christmas was hard enough without Derek, and Zola's comment pushed me over the edge.

I leaned back against the couch, my hands holding the bottom of my baby bump.

I ran a hand from top to bottom of my swollen stomach, trying to soothe myself.

When this baby got here, things like these would be even harder. In addition to worrying about Zola and Bailey, I would think about this baby. At milestones in her life, Derek would not be there to see them.

It was just all so unfair.

Thinking about this baby just made me more stressed out. I still hadn't thought of a name. I had done plenty of name searching, but nothing seemed perfect. It was hard choosing a name for Derek's child without Derek.

Along with a name, there were her things I had to worry about. Bailey's baby things I had left in Seattle, not expecting another baby here in San Francisco.

I had bought the necessary things for this baby, but I always felt like I was missing something. With Bailey, Derek had been on top of everything, and I was struggling without him.

I thought about tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning Zola and Bailey would eagerly open their presents, and I would get to see it. Derek would not.

Derek wouldn't get to see our children's faces of joy.

Tomorrow the only presents I would have to open were the ones I bought for myself from Santa.

I had alienated my Seattle friends. I wouldn't be able to be with them, to share laughs, stories, and gifts.

At this moment, I wished I hadn't left Seattle. I could use their comfort and support right now.

I wished Cristina would be here tomorrow, but I knew her busy life in Zurich would keep her away.

Most of all, I wished Derek would be here. It wasn't just Christmas. I wished he was here all that time.

I needed my husband, the love of my life, to be here with me.

He should be here with me.

 **A/N: The next chapter will be part one of baby Ellis' birth. I was thinking of taking her birth a different route than Grey's did. I thought Meredith would have a live birth instead of an emergency C. Although I understand the parallel between Mer and her mom and Zola and mer, I wanted to change things up. What do y'all think?**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's.**

I was woken up the usual way: by Zola and Bailey. They jumped onto my bed before settling down on either side of me.

I struggled to sit up, my large stomach giving me trouble. I knew this baby would come any day now.

I was nervous. I was worried about the birth. I was worried something would go wrong.

I held Zola and Bailey closer to me, trying to calm my fears.

"Mommy, can I talk to my sissy?" Zola asked.

"Of course," I said to Zola. I loved it when she talked to my stomach. It filled part of the gap left by the lack of Derek being able to talk to our future child.

"Mommy," Zola whined, "I can't talk to sissy with your shirt down. She can't hear!"

I was confused by this logic. She had never had the need to talk to my bare stomach.

Nevertheless, I lifted up my shirt, allowing Zola to have a conversation with her soon-to-arrive sister.

While she talked, Bailey also put his hand on the side of my bare bump.

I was content sitting here with Zola and Bailey. They obviously loved the idea of their little sister, and I hoped the love continued when she arrived.

When Zola had finished with her one-sided conversation, I pulled my shirt back down, then got up to start the day.

* * *

That night, I put Bailey to bed, then spent some alone time with Zola.

We had had an early dinner, so it didn't surprise me when Zola asked for a snack.

"Okay, Zozo," I said to her, waddling away from the kitchen towards the living room after making her a quick snack in the kitchen. I was wearing a t-shirt dress with leggings, one of the few bottoms that fit me.

"Here's your snack," I continued, "Cheese, bananas, and a little—" I was cut off by a sharp pain in my lower stomach.

I put one hand on a table and the other under my bump. The pain was much worse than any Braxton-Hicks I had had.

"Damn it," I said, pushing my hair behind my hair. I was trying to be calm for Zola, but I knew the pain was far too unbearable for this to be early labor.

"Ugggh," I moaned, as the pain continued. I backed away from the table, both hands under my bump.

I pulled one hand away to see blood on it, and looked down to see more blood spreading down my dress from my thighs.

"Actually, you know, Zo, I think maybe we'll take that. I'll put it in a baggy and we'll- ahh. Ahhh!" More pain shot through me, and I heard blood splatter the kitchen floor.

"Mommy!" Zola shouted.

Fighting the pain, so many thoughts were going through my head. I couldn't lose this baby. I couldn't die. I couldn't let Zola go through the same things I was going through.

I was down on the floor, the pain too much to handle standing up.

"It's okay, Zola. It's okay," I said to her, trying to calm both her and myself.

"You're bleeding! There's blood!" Zola exclaimed worriedly, "Mommy, should I call 911?"

I was moving on the ground, trying to ease the pain. There was blood everywhere.

"Yes…call," I whispered frantically, practically out of breath.

I laid down on the ground, fighting to stay conscious.

I barely saw Zola pick up the phone, and I faintly heard her say that we needed help. I desperately needed help.

I flitted in and out of consciousness throughout the ride to the hospital. Each time I woke up I was dazed and confused.

Once when I woke up, I knew I was in a hospital, but where were Zola and Bailey?

"Dr. Grey, we're just about ready to start," a nurse said to me.

No, no, no. I couldn't have this. I needed to know Zola and Bailey were safe.

"My kids," I said desperately, "Where are my kids?" I needed to know.

"She shouldn't be in here," I said, confused. "No, wait," I pleaded, seeing the gas mask moving towards my face.

I needed them to be safe. I needed to know what was happening. I needed Derek here.

I couldn't die now. I couldn't leave my kids alone.

But what if I did die. I could be with Derek.


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's.**

I woke up groggily to bright lights blaring down at me.

Looking around the room, I tried to figure out where I was. There was a pain in my stomach, but not a sharp pain, a dull pain.

I realized I was in a hospital, and all the memories of the evening came flooding back.

Where was my baby? Where were Zola and Bailey? Neither were in the room.

I sat up in a panic too quickly. I was dizzy, and the I.V. strained at my hand.

Sitting up pulled at my incisions, and it hurt.

I was terrified. Was my baby even alive? Hurriedly, I pushed the nurse call button.

After what seemed like forever, a nurse walked into the room.

"Dr. Grey, you're awake," she said, "would you-"

"What happened?" I asked, cutting her off, "is my baby okay? Where are my kids?"

"When you came to the hospital, we did a crash C-section. You had preeclampsia. You're daughter calling 911 saved your life," she explained. "You've been out for a couple of hours. Your daughter is healthy. Seven pounds, three ounces. Eighteen inches. Would you like to see her?"

"Yes, yes, of course!" I replied.

A few minutes later, my daughter was wheeled into my room in a bassinet. The nurse picked her up and handed her to me.

She was squirming and cooing as I held her in my arms.

I couldn't believe Derek wasn't here to see our daughter for the first time.

I arranged the blanket she was loosely swaddled in closer around her. I looked at her face, trying to take in every detail. I could see Derek in her.

I was in awe of my daughter. She was beautiful, and it was so unfair that Derek couldn't be here with us to see her.

I pulled her closer to my chest, my maternal instincts wanting her to be as close to me as possible.

I hugged her tight, wanting to protect her from the horrors of the world.

She started to whine, and I smiled at her.

"Okay, sweetie," I said to her softly, trying to comfort her. "Shhhhh. Hey. Hey, it's okay. It's alright," I said to my daughter, "Shhhh. It's okay," I whispered.

As I tried to console my squirming child, I looked at her and knew. I knew her name was Ellis.

Never in a million years would I have thought I would name my daughter after my mother who I despised.

However, it was a fitting name. I had come to realize that my mother was a strong woman, and I knew my daughter was going to need to be strong too.

I studied Ellis's face, wanting to memorize every piece of her. I needed to know and love her for both me and Derek.

Eventually Ellis calmed down, and I was able to hold cradle her softly.

The nurse came back in and told me that Zola and Bailey were in the care of a social worker who had spent the night with them. She said I could take as long as I needed, and I could have them sent up whenever I was ready.

The nurse then checked my chart, making sure everything was alright. As she finished checking my incisions, Ellis started to squirm again, her mouth rooting around at my chest.

"If you would like, you can nurse her now. She was given just a bit of formula while she was in the nursery and you were asleep. She's probably hungry now," the nurse said.

"Okay," I replied to the nurse with a deep breath.

The nurse asked if I needed assistance, but I told her I was okay. She said I could have a lactation consult called if I needed help.

After the nurse left, I unsnapped my gown, and aligned Ellis's mouth to my breast. After a few tries, she latched on and began sucking softly.

I looked down at her sweet face and wished desperately that Derek was here.

Tears came to my eyes as I thought about Derek. I hoped he liked the name Ellis.

He should have been here for this. He should have been here to care for me during the pregnancy.

Derek should have been here for Ellis's birth, to see his daughter in the world.

It was just too unfair.

When she was done feeding, Ellis unlatched and yawned.

I paged for the nurse again, and she came. She placed Ellis in the bassinet and wheeled her to the side of the bed.

I asked her if she could have Zola and Bailey brought to my room, and fifteen minutes later I was able to introduce them to their sister.

They sat quietly on the edge of the bed, staring at their little sister. Then they told me about their night. I was so glad to have them with me.

It would have been the perfect family moment, but Derek wasn't here. He would have completed the picture, but instead it was me and three fatherless children.

After an hour with Zola, Bailey, and Ellis, I was exhausted. I had Zola and Bailey go with the social worker, and the nurse took Ellis back to the nursery.

As soon as I laid down, I fell asleep. The sleep was light, the bustle of the hospital waking me up every so often.

* * *

"Dr. Grey. Your husband is here." A nurse's face appeared right in front of mine as I opened my eyes.

No. My husband is dead, I thought in confusion. I looked to the right to see Alex Karev standing in the doorway.

How did he find me?

"Hey," Alex said as he walked towards the bed, "apparently I'm your emergency contact."

Damn. That's how he found me.

We sat in silence for a few moments as thoughts ran through my head. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that he was here.

I could only imagine what he was thinking, getting a call in the night that he needed to come to a hospital in California.

He must have left immediately in order to get here so quickly. Alex was a good friend.

"I had a baby," I told him, trying to offer some explanation not only for my hospitalization, but also for ignoring him for the past nine months.

I felt uncomfortable, lying back in bed talking to Alex, but it was too painful to sit up.

"I know," he replied. Obviously. The hospital would have told him why I was in the hospital.

"Derek is dead," I said to Alex. Saying it out loud hurt, but it was the truth. The love of my life was gone, and I had just had his baby.

"I know," Alex said again, this time softer.

Alex sat down on the edge of the bed, taking my hand.

"The baby's name is Ellis," I told him with a smile, "Did you see her? She's beautiful."

"Yeah, she looks just like you," Alex replied kindly.

"I didn't think I could do it," I confessed to him. "Part of me thought, 'what if I have this baby and just die?'." I could see the look of pity on Alex's face, but I continued, "And then she arrived, and I saw her face, and I saw him in her." I thought of Derek. His features were definitely in Ellis.

Alex smiled, giving me silent support to continue.

"She's beautiful," I said.

Alex squeezed my hand. I looked to the left, just thinking.

I was glad Alex was here. It gave me a chance, an opportunity, to possibly return home. I knew Alex would want me to come back to Seattle, but I also knew he would let me stay here, if that was what I wanted.

I had him now, to support me. I was glad I put him down as my emergency contact.

* * *

I was discharged two days later, and after talking with Alex, I decided it was time to go home.

It was time to return to Seattle. It was time to return to my family.

I knew it was going to be difficult, if not impossible, to be there without Derek, but I had Zola, Bailey, and Ellis.

Derek should have been here for this, but he wasn't. For the rest of my life, he wouldn't be here, but I had our kids: little pieces of Derek to remind me of him every day.

 **A/N: …And that's it. I would like** **to write a sequel to this, or, preferably, start working on a new story (with longer chapters), this time with Derek in it. I have nothing planned, no ideas, so please leave suggestions. In a few days I will be away from my computer for a month. When I get back I will start working on my next story.**

 **Please review and give suggestions! :)**


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